Table Talk

Playing "waitress" is much like playing the role of the interrupting cow--
Knock, knock.
Who's th---
MOOOOOO bread basket, anyone?

The kinds of conversations I barge in on vary greatly. 
 
On one end of the spectrum, guests are pretty modest and aware of their conversations. Let's just say these folks are considerate of the neighboring tables.  The moment I approach a table, the guests mute themselves in an awkward silence and sit hands-folded and tight-lipped. It's like an outlandish staring game gone wrong.   They might not even be breathing for all I know.  After exchanging short glances with anyone daring enough to give me eye contact, I hustle up while they resort to looking at eachother, as if they were communcating telepathically. 

And all you want to do is just grab them with both hands by their jowls and shake them violently, howling WHY SO SERIOUS?



But you don't.  Erasing the mental picture you've just created, you quickly bow out and pardon yourself for the horrible interference.  Shame on me.  Just trying to do my job.  That empty beer glass doesn't refill itself now, does it?

Now on the OTHER end of the spectrum, it's a wild and crazy commotion.  You wouldn't believe me if I told you some of the most bizarre conversations I have walked in on.  I might be slightly creative, sometimes witty, but I couldn't even make them up if I tried. 



I, as your server, do not want to hear that you're so hungry you're going to order half the menu because you just got back from your colonoscopy.
The table one over surely doesn't want to find out "what's wrong down there".
Furthermore, I have heard repulsive jabs made by parents to their children in an effort to discipline, drug deals being set up,

I'm trying to guage how shocking these conversations were, but then I remembered... my family is just at astonishing with some of the jaw-dropping conversations we've had while eating out.

Late last year, my family went out for dinner.  Rarely do the five of us ever get together because someone always has to work.  Right after ordering drinks, my younger brother delves into some discussion... He's one to bring up work a lot during dinner-- wiping asses, changing bedpans, cleaning obese patients. No surprise to me, that particular evening its about something very reminiscent of Hangover. 

"I'll be doing lines of cocaine off a strippers asscrack, but don't worry Mom," he reassured.
"That's very unhygenic.  I would iodine that puppy up, but not until I razored off a clean-shaven runway..."
My older brother is quipping in, my mother is rolling around in fits of laughter, and my father almost choked on his glass of Coke. I just sat back, wide-eyed, thinking to myself, Is this really happening?

Needless to say, our server (who probably unintentionally eavesdropped the entire conversation) looked completely appalled. I'm just glad it wasn't a full restaurant.

For anyone reading, be aware your party isn't the only group of people that may be listening to your conversation at the table.  Unless you'd like everyone else to know your business, keep it down, keep it clean, or keep it to yourself for another time.


-LM

Photo Credit:www.hdwallpapers.in
"The Hangover"- en.wikipedia.org
"The Non-Responsive Penalty"- www.themilwaukeeseo.com
"Quiet Please!"- www.thesacredsandwich.com